Saturday Night Live

Let's get one thing straight. . . being single + dating = AWKWARD SAUCE!! Thus have we created this literary version of the, "I wish I were dead. . .or that you were dead, so this prison sentence they call a date would terminate!" Now don't misconstrue the message we convey, when people do such things as read into what we say, feelings and pride get hurt, and we will be honest, we don't have time to pat you on the back, burp you, and make you feel better. So if you tempt to read this, open your little black heart and get ready to engage in some hearty laughter.

And don't think we will be offended if and when you are laughing at us, because we also are laughing. We laugh at you and with you and at ourselves, this is for all the awkwardness that we create and definitely that you create for us at times.

Now when these awkward moments occur here are some tips for extracting yourself from these moments. These are proven methods that have a success rate of 99.9%. But if used incorrectly instantaneous blotchy red skin, choking coughs, itchy nose, and diarrhea of the mouth are guaranteed to occur.

1. The awkward roll: This is to be used in a large group of people after one has inserted one's foot into one's mouth, or the mouth of someone opposite them. To perform, simply stop saying what is currently coming out of your mouth, drop to the ground, and while rolling away say over and over. . ."Awkward Roll, Awkward Roll, Awkward Roll." This not only "rolls" you away from the situation but brings the conversation to a completely different topic or complete stop. Careful with this one, if used incorrectly, or if you don't check your surroundings you may end up with poison ivy or dog sh*t.

2. Awkward Turtle/Flagpole: This is to be used in small groups of people. Either with a one on one conversation or a group of less then 10 so that all can see your hands. For the awkward turtle. Simply lay one hand on top of the other parallel to the ground, with fingertip pointed away from the torso and thumbs opposite of each other. While stating over and over . . . "awkward turtle" you paddle your thumbs in the motion of a turtles legs.
The awkward flagpole should be used in similar circumstances however it is accomplished by putting your hands in fists and stacking them on top of each other for three lengths. So Right, left, right and then the left would go on top again with fingers outstretched and waving in the wind. Again you would repeat . . . "awkward flagpole" several times while waving fingers.

3. Pregnant Pause: Alone with a date, this is possibly the worst situation of all. There is a cure. Have you said something heinously wrong? Never fear Awkward Mama, all your problems are solved with three little words. Your eyes widen as you realize what you have just said/done. . .then Date's eyes mimic yours with a hint of gagging in their throat. Simply say, "I'm pregnant." They may respond with a look of astonishment. When they respond all you have to do is act like you didn't hear what they just said, then add a simple, "Eh?" Believe it or not, this works for both male and female alike. It takes a bit of guts, so we suggest trying it in the mirror a few times.

4. Dead mom jokes: So in order to get out of an awkward moment sometimes it is easier to make it a little more awkward first. This is because in some awkward moments you are not humiliated while others are disastrous to your self esteem. So if faced with a self esteem crusher such as a person turning you down for a date simply come out with a dead mom joke, i.e. " What am I not good enough for you because my mom is dead?" This will stop any man or woman in their tracks and then you can use an awkward roll to get away. Any conversation can be turned around by making a joke about a dead mom. It works every time!

5. Text Message Awkwardness: Texts are easily misinterpreted and on occasion it brings one to the ledge of insanity. If a text has been sent that can be questionable and your stubby little finger didn't get to the end button quick enough to cancel, chuck the phone across the room, and roll away. You may be tempted to cross the room and pick up said phone, but DON'T!! Wait until others are in the room to monitor future texts.

Now we have all the answers, but we are imperfect and awkward moments have still occurred. Thus the blog. We are putting ourselves out on the cyberspace limb for you to enjoy and/or commiserate with the awkwardness that is dating. Please feel free to comment, and/or laugh and scorn.

Awkwardness to all,

Mel and Meg