Library

So I shared this story with a friend and she said that is was totally blog worthy and I needed to put it on here.

So Yesterday I ran to the Murray library during lunch to pick up a book or two to read over the weekend. I was walking around for a while and as I was getting ready to leave a gentleman at a table asked in halting English if I could help him for a moment. I answered yes, of course. He said that he needed to practice his pronouncation of words and good I tell him if they were right or not. So of course I did. I ended up sitting with him for about a half hour, and we ended up talking about different things. He is from Brazil and has been in Utah for a few months, and is going to school daily to improve his English. I told him it was nice to meet him and that I needed to head back to work. His name is Wilton. When I told him I needed to go he told me that he is at the library most days and that I should come back and see him. I smiled and headed to check out my books. As I got in my car and put it into reverse I noticed that he had come outside and was walking toward me. So I rolled down my window and he asked me if "I like movie". I told him yes I like movies and he asked me if I would go and see one with him. I told him I was busy this weekend but we exchanged numbers and we are going to go see a movie next week.

So I can officially say that I have now been picked up at the library :)

Boys, Boys, Boys

So I have to admit I really like Boys. I don't even have a particular TYPE that I like more then others. I just enjoy flirting and being around them. Though there are definitely some that make me drool when I see them. So I am talking to 3 different guys right now that I have met online. They are all really nice and I like for different reasons. Well the funny part is that at some moments in time I am having 3 different conversations with all of them, through IM or text messaging. And I have to keep straight what I have told how and what they have told me. It can be a little confusing at times. However, highly enjoyable and a great distraction! It has been interesting as I am talking to more men who are in the late 30s and have several children the reasons that their marriages have failed. Some had been married for 13 -14 years and then the wife cheats, or gets into drugs. I know there are a lot of guys doing the same stuff but it just makes me sad how families are being torn apart. For now I haven't met any of these three face to face... but working on that. But it is just FUN to flirt at times. Though being single as a whole is not the best... Guys can be fun :)

Join the Fun

Join in the fun

Copy and paste the list. Bold the things you have done...

1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14.Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 18. Grown your own vegetables 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 221. Had a pillow fight 22.hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a 1/2 Marathon 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31.hit a home run. 32.been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had your portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theater 55. Been in a movie 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business 58. Taken a martial arts class 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten Caviar 72. Pieced a quilt 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone. 78.Been on a speeding motorcycle 79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper 85. Read the entire Bible 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee 100.Made amends with someone who offended you 101. Flew in a small Cessna plane with just you and the pilot 102. Ran out of gas 103. Eaten fried okra 104. Swam in the Caribbean Sea 105. Peed in a swimming pool 106. Stayed in a beach house 107. Hosted an exchange student 108. Been a Secret Santa to a family in need 109. Worked on a political campaign 110. Coached a sports team 111. Baked bread from scratch 112. Driven from coast to coast 113. Paid off all of your debt 114. Roast marshmallows over a campfire 115. Cut up a credit card 116. Drove a car through a flood 117. Been on t.v 118. Had braces 119. Been to the top of the twin towers in NY. 120. Have played in both the Atlantic & Pacific Oceans 121. Been to ground zero 122. Bite my fingernails 123. Likes to scrapbook 124. Hates pie 125. Visited Mexico 126. Seen a Tornado in person 127. Have ever been lost at sea! 128. kissed a frog. 129. Gave birth to twins. 130. Received 2 moving violation tickets in 1 day. 131. Taught English in a foreign country

Make sure to add a new question once your done. That was fun.

Idiot I am!

So I was hanging out with my friend Jordan today. We were driving around, since it was an area he knew better I was making him drive my car. He started playing with the little console compartment and low and behold.... there was a trunk release button..... and it worked. I am an idiot! I did not know I had a trunk release button and because I didn't know this I had crawled through my back seat - remember the story - Oh well. Now I know I have a trunk again! YEAH

Car update

MY CAR IS CLEAN!!! I think this is the first time with this car which I have owned for a year. But probably overall the first time in 3 years that I have taken a car to the carwash. I even have it vacuumed out and others can fit in it. I know... shocker.

Updates

So I have been a bit of a slacker as of late. So I went on the date with the Good one that I met from online. Had a great time. Had talked to him most of the week and was really enjoying getting to know him and talking to him. However, it is apparent that he did not enjoy it as much..... cause low and behold, I have not heard from him again. Oh well, he was a good distraction over Thanksgiving.

Antique guy called again out of the blue. I hadn't heard from him in weeks and I figured he realized I wasn't interested. This was not the truth however. Luckily I didn't hear my phone ring. I was at my friend Larissa's house and looked down and I had a voicemail. As I was listening to the message I was making faces.... I did not know this be Larissa informed me of such when she asked who was it. I guess I had the disgusted look on my face. Antique guy said that he couldn't remember if he had told me he was going to be out of town for a few weeks or not but that he had just gotten back and wanted to let me know. Ugh... why do I attract the creepies.

So another fun thing happened this past weekend. Yes I know I am 29 now. And this is the age that all of my mother's friends perpetually were when I was growing up and so I am feeling some what old. So in order to make myself feel younger I was kind of interested in a guy that was MUCH younger then I was. We have been good friends and I felt really safe with him. We have been hanging out a lot but he would never ask me out on a date. So Saturday night I finally got up the nerve. I ask "Why won't you date me?" Yes, this did take weeks of preparation to be able to get this simple phrase out of my mouth. Did I really want to know the answer.... In this case I did. So I think the main reason, which he didn't say is because oh yea.... he is 20 and I am 29! A bit of an age difference. Anyway he said that he really likes me and enjoys being with me. But that we clash in some ways but still wants me as a best friend. Anyway I am totally ok with this and we have hung out ever day since. Boys... what do you do. But again.... the boy is 20! I could have babysat him.... and he would have been in 6th grade when I graduated from High school... What was I thinking.

Oh well....... Now I have to find another way to find boys... Any suggestions?

Good One!

So all you nay sayers of the internet I haven't been sharing the good stories. So here is a good story. I have been talking to a guy that I met online that is normal, cute, family man, active in the church and fun. We have been talking back and forth for several days. He has primary custody of his kids so we are going to meet this Saturday and go on a date. It is really fun to text back and forth with him and talk to him. I am excited for Saturday!

Interesting day - Relection

So I know that this blog was orignally to post awkward dating moments but I get to post something different today. I was thinking about how my life was a year ago.

One year ago today I was married with two dogs. Managing a storage unit, in Spanish Fork, and living in the apartment there working every other week. I was watching my cute nephew Royal every other week and loving that. I was also helping out with my mom whenever I could. Mom had been in to have her port changed and wasn't doing great. Overall life was just interesting.

Now

Divorced, living in Murray with 3 roommates, working for the state as a caseworker, going to a singles ward, learning how to date, going to therapy once a week, watching my dad date.

Life is different, and I have really hard days sometimes, like today. I am happy now.... much more so then I was a year ago.

I had a friend ask me yesterday for advice because it looks like she will be getting a divorce. I told her to get a good therapist and to know that even when you feel like everything is going well you will still have hard days. I use to think that because I was the one that asked for the divorce and that I really am happier then I was that I wouldn't have hard days. That I would be able to just keep going and be fine and dandy. The reality is that some days just stink! I had therapy yesterday and I just cried. I didn't realize how sad I was that day..... I am having a hard time with the holidays coming and figuring that all out. I feel like everyone else in my family has someone but me... which is hard. But knowing why i am sad is half the battle, cause then I can work on it.

The awkward/interesting part was that I also had ward temple night last night. I rode up to the Bountiful temple with a couple of girls in the ward.... one was my really good friend. I looked at her as I was walking into the temple and told her that I was not okay. She told me that she knows and then I started to cry. I cried all the way into the temple, all the way through changing, in the chapel and half way through the session. I felt bad for the people that I was sitting around as I kept sniffling and such. But it was a good cry cause I really felt a lot better. Then I took a mental health day today and didn't go to work.

So yes there are bad days, and yes some days feel overwhelming. But YES I am doing WAY better then I was and YES I am happy and finding joy in my life. I am grateful for family, friends, and my Savior which make it possible for me to get through all of the crap that I get to go through.

Sorry if this was some what depression but know that life is good....as my dad always says.

Ammendment

So my roommate told me that I had to ammend my previous post. When I talked about how I found a way out of the talkers house I wasn't completely honest. So the way that I got out of the house was that when he was not paying attention I set an alarm on my cell phone so that it would go off in a few minutes. When my alarm went off I looked at my phone and told him that I had to go..... and made a get away. So it was pretty fun. I was trying to find a creative way to get out..... so that is how I did it. The great phone alarm.

The Talker

So I met a guy online and we talked back and forth via the internet for a few days and then he gave me his number and told me to call. So I did... through some persuasion of my friend Rachel. We had a 2 hour phone conversation where he was mainly the one talking. And I thought... ah no big deal I wasn't really in the talking mood. So then he called me at his lunch break the next day and we talked for a little while. And we learned that we lived really close to each other... like 5 blocks away. So then that evening he called and we started to chat again. Again it was pretty one sided and I wondered if it would be different in person. So I asked if I could come over and he said yes. So I went over to his house and he took 2 hours to show me all the antiques and coin collection and jewelry collections that he had. And told me about the antique shows, garage sales and of course the DI were he was able to make all of these great purchases. I was bored out of my mind. So much so that I decided to go home and came up with a way to go home.... :) oh the joys.

On another note there is a guy that I have been hanging out with a lot that I am kind of interested in.... but of course I have NO idea what in the world he is thinking.. UGH! Boys....

My Car

For those of you who have never seen my car it is a piece of crap :) but i don't have a car payment and that is what matters. i bought it last December for $1200 and it is still running. So I keep on driving. Well I have been having to replace one tire at a time and on Sunday the tire fair came again to take a tire away.

My Back seat of the car, folded down with all the crap.... you can kinda see the tire.

I got up and got ready for church and I looked cute. I had even straightened my hair. Well then I ra over for presidency meeting for the RS presidency. As i pulled up to the presidents house i felt my tire go. Sure enought there was a hole in the side wall. Well it was time for my meeting and I really didn't want to deal with it yet. So I go in for the meeting and when we are done with the meeting it is raining. Of Course.

The great part is that my trunk does not open any more and that there is a ton of junk in the trunk of my car. So I have to put the seat down and then pull everything out of my trunk and throw it onto the seats.

I then crawled into the trunk to see if there was a release latch to open it...... there was not..... PS I was in a knee length skirt and knee high boots....with 4 inch heels.... not the most practical clothing for changing a tire. We, Jae from my ward was helping me at this point, pull the tire out through the back seat. However, my lug nut thing is no where to be found. So Jae went to see if she had one that would work. We found one. So then you have me in my skirt and boots jumping on the lug nut thing to loosen the lug nuts.... in the pouring rain. It was great fun.

I got them all loosened and then had to sit my butt down on the ground to try and get the jack in place. It was not cooperating with me. I was getting drenched... or was.... and frustrated. Then this nice guy who lived next door to where my meeting was came out all bundled up and asked if he could help. Being me I was about to say No thanks.... but then I stopped and said, "Yea that would be great" The nice guy finished changing my tire for me. I need to take him cookies. I wish I had pictures of me in the rain... but all you get is pictures of all the crap pulled from my trunk.

partners 4 life????

So I have been feeling like I shouldn't blog because I don't have pictures... but then I realized I don't have a camera... so maybe someday you will get pictures.

So I met up with a guy that I had met on LDSplanet.com. I had text messaged him for a few days and then he was going to be down here from Idaho. We had set up plans but then I ditched out because I had a cute boy that I already know what to go and play. Then I felt bad so I told this guy that I would meet him on temple square on Sunday just to get to know each other. He was really nice, a complete gentleman and I enjoyed talking to him. When it was time to go he wanted a kiss. I put my head on his shoulder and then thought.... why not... so I kissed him. Well then 2 days later he is texting me and he wanted to know what time my lunch was. I told him I didn't have one that day because I had therapy. He asked me why I needed to go to therapy and if he could be my therapist. I told him I was going cause I needed to and that I liked my therapist. He asked again why I was going to therapy. I told him that it was because I had some stuff I needed to work on and could we just leave it at that. He then said that we needed to talk about these things so that we could be the best partners 4 each other 4 life.

At this point I was kind of freaking out and didn't respond for several hours. Finally I just told him that I just wanted to be friends but that it was fun to meet him. My roommates told me that he was confused because I had kissed him. I don't understand this. It was just a friendly peck not like a make out session. Can't you kiss someone and not marry them... seriously! So then he asked why and I didn't really respond.

On Saturday he started texting me again and wanted to understand why I just wanted to be friends. I told him it was hard to explain. He asked me to try. So I told him that I just hadn't felt the chemistry when we kissed and that I thought he was ready for more in a relationship then I was. That I was sorry if he thought the kiss meant more. He said that he understood and wished me the best.

So ..... whatever.... I guess I can't just kiss a guy to kiss a guy... though it was fun! Guess I just have to be more careful with who I am kissing.

seriously.....

So I am online and someone starts a chat with me. So of course I answer.... then I go and read his profile this is what it said.... I couldn't even try and describe it so I am copying it and pasting....

A little about me... you want to know me than marry me its that simple just do it no wasting my time or yours just up and say yes then hop a darn plane boat float walk on water just get here and marry me stop fooling around you want kids a family than marry me no more BS I will nolonger be searching I will just tell my father to wipe out all living thing on this planet and start over havent you seen the signs we have been showing you for years straiten up or die you have only till i find my bride then pooth times up good by JUDGEMENT TIME the Books are opened You get your just rewards my father and i have a bet I told him not even 144000 are truly holy rightous people he believes it will be that the rest will Burn in HELL Choices people Choices its your fault not your parents thats why we gave you free thought you chose to be holy rightous people b8ut You refuse to walk in the path I set out for you remember the gate is broad that leads to distruction and many be that find it the gate is narrow that leads to everlasting life and few be that find it

How I feel about the Church... [oh harlet of a nation you abomination your stench has reached my nostrils your evil has reached heaven you have defiled your women you have turned your men into drunkards oh how i wish i had never created you or thought to speak your name you den of vipors harken to my words the end is near you have one last chance to turn from your iniquity turn away from your sins heed my warning repent or face my judgment I AM Your GOD Turn Now away from Your Evil Torn Back to My Precepts how long have i waited for my bride it has been 2000 years since we have been together how long shall i wait your women are deceatful no longer virgins come out of the filth my bride and i will make you white as snow harken not to the ways of the deciever come to me my pure bride You are pure as my robe your lips soft as the pettles on the folineces flow my heart longs to hear your voice again oh my beautiful bride where are you come to me my virgin bride and we will raise a King to rule these people]

What I do for fun... my bride is a virgin never been touched any human male she is smart and knows I am lord she does as i say never raises her voice to me she is attentive keeps a clean house she is healthy using only healthy foods like saleds chicken fish turkey onions garlic wheat for making breads she is a good seamstress and loves to make me happy my bride is unlike the females of this planet she is perfect i know you are out there somewhare just remember the time we danced on jupiter and i caught you a sun flare remember how all of heaven joyed at your beauty how we loved each other and swore we would meet here in this time this year please remember my precious my sweet dliapionia raham se pash onmin do tra su trieas my bride there is much work to do so hurry time is almost winding down my work is harder this time around the people of this world hate each other they cheat rob steal raise there children to be just as evil as they are destroying this world i have made for them they do not keep my comandments or statuets they have gone estray oh my bride please come to me im calling for you through the stars please come home so we can leave this planet before my father destroys them he has given me only 4 years to find you please hurry

..... Seriously... I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. He lives in Alaska and is 42 and never been married... ugh.....and can we say punctuation.

Friends story

So more online dating fun. I was talking to my friend and she is a little older then me. She is dating online and she was excited to go out with a widower as opposed to a divorced guy. So they went out and he was a little interesting but then he invited her back to his house. It had been an ok time so she went over there. As soon as they walk into the house there is this big picture of his wife with a major 80s hair do... underneath her picture is her funeral program. She had passed away 6 weeks before hand. Now I know some of you may freak out over that but really it isn't that big of a deal... my father was also dating 6 weeks after my mom passed away.

Then they sit down on the couch and he picks up her feet and picks up some lotion. He says that he use to massage his wife's feet all the time, and he hoped she didn't think it was weird. So he massages her feet and she is a little weirded out. Then he says hold on just a second. And my friend is ready to walk out but giving himself the benefit of the doubt. So then he comes out and says I hope this isn't weird. And he holds up a fake hair piece and says ... look your hair is almost an exact match to my wife's hair. She said good-bye and left. Oh the joys... she was definitely weirded out by this guy. He was an interesting duck.

So definitely online dating is fun. I have had 2 guys in two days try and get me to go and meet them to make out with them when I had started talking to them 2 minutes before. Of course I told them no... even though I could use a good make out session. But I would like to know them for a little while first :) .

Hope you have fun ready of dating woes. Nothing else is quite as exciting as dating at this point in time in my life. However, I am learning to budget and take care of my money... If anyone wants a great way to do so check out Dave Ramsey's financial peace university. It is amazing!

Megan

Loves the Office, Loves to Camp

Fine!! Megan is wannying about lack of posts, so ode to her last post I have decided to write my own profile if I was on LDSsingles.com. *Disclaimer: If you see anyone like this on there, I am not admitting to anything!*

Name: Melanie S., Mel, Snit, Snitters, Snitty Magee, Maleficent, hey you, or little puke.
Height: Really tall....if I have my really tall shoes on.
Weight: More than yesterday
Age: Guess. . .
Income: I work for the state...that answer your question?
Hair color: Changes month to month
Teeth: I hope they are white, depends on what I have been eating
Toe nail polish: Poor at the moment, time for a pedicure
Legs: Chicken
Stomach: Hungry
Arms: No, I don't believe in killing things
Things I like: Moola, ghetto weddings (I have had four), YOU-where would you like to meet?, camping, mmmm and I love The Office!!
Things I don't like: Your teeth, being told no, and Cottage Cheese.

I will meet you in a public place at a busy time. If I don't show, I have come incognito and you are just too darn ugly!

To spice up your own life, please log on! http://www.ldssingles.com/
I will be waiting. . .

Online Dating?!?

So apparently my friends don't have as many awkward moments as I do....because they haven't posted. I am going to share about some fun times this last weekend. Through some convincing of a good friend of mine I have signed up for internet dating....oh the joys. For those of you who don't know I met my ex online. SO I was really nervous about signing up. However, I am on the older end of the singles ward and so I decided to see how many older guys were online. There is quite a few. So I am now on LDS singles. However, being online is a totally different world. So there have been several guys whom I have started to talk to. The first guy who started to talk to me was interesting. He wanted to know if I would cuddle with him. I was thinking....cuddling...that is fun. But when I tried to get him to meet somewhere he said he didn't want to do that. He just wanted to either meet at my house or his and wanted to know if I had a long couch or a bed. He then started to talk more and I realized he did want to just cuddle. Ugh! I didn't talk to him any more. However, he told me that touching over the clothes is light petting and you don't have to talk to the Bishop so he would never touch under the clothes. Then he would have to talk to the Bishop. Who really thinks that. Oh well.... all done talking to him. And that was on LDSsingles. What in the world. I am so not very interested in this but there are some funny people.

The other thing I noticed on LDSsingles is that a guy that is a little bigger or heavier writes down that they are average. And a girl will write down that she is above average, even though they are about the same size. It is interesting to see how people describe themselves and how our world colors the way we look at ourselves. Especially how girls and guys look at themselves differently. The world of dating... oh the fun.

Driving home

So I am driving home last night at about 11:30pm. I am on State street about to turn on to Vine street which is where I live...for all of you who do not know this. I am right before the light and there is a guy in a pick up truck and he waves at me. Being the nice person that I am I wave back. At this point I am stopped at the light in the turn lane. It is red but the other lights in that direction are green. He all of a sudden turns left from the center lane onto Vine street and stops and is waiting for me. At this point I am like, I wonder if I have a flat tire or something that he wants to tell me about. So I start to turn the corner, now that the light is green, and he is waving for me to stop and roll down my window. So I reach across and roll my passenger window down slightly to see what this gentleman wants. At this point he states " You are so beautiful. Are you single?" I smile at him and say thank you and have a great night.... he kind of smiles.... as I drive away. I must say it felt kind of good to be told that I was beautiful by a cute guy driving down state street. However, it was also some what creepy and I must admit I was asking myself if he was drunk. I also made sure he wasn't following me home as I drove, he did get back on to state street so that was a good thing.

Megan

Text messaging for a date?!?!

So last night I decided to ask a guy out on a date. It is a guy that I know from great life. I asked him if he wanted to go out on Tuesday night and he said he was thinking about going to the guest presentation (here forth know as the GP) at great life that night so he wasn't sure. I could tell at the time that he didn't really get that I was asking him on a date. But being a chicken I left it alone at the time.

Today I sent him a text message this morning saying...
" You're killin me"

He responded "Why"

I just let him sit with it for several hours and then I responded.."Cause ya want to go to a gp instead of going on a date with me, for rude."

He responded " hahaha... your crazy :)"

I responded " How am I crazy....i asked you to go out with me tomorrow and you said you were going to the gp...lame"

Then a few hours go by and there is no response to this text. Me being awkward and paranoid sends a text saying...."....ugh......awkward silence....hahahaha.. i need to go on a date this month will you go out with me."

The response I get after some time is " ummmmm"

At this point I want to respond and say " What in the world does that mean....." However, I refrained from doing such a thing... good job Megan

After about another 30 minutes he writes..."Umm we can hang out as friends but I see this as a conflict of interest."

I simple respond " k"

Then I am feeling awkward about everything and realize in my wisdom that I need to smooth it over so that we can still be friends so. I sent a text saying./... " Hey if you and friend and whoever else wants to go to a U volleyball game Thursday night my roomies and I are going with the institute."

This then smoothes things over and we begin carrying on a normal conversation about going to the game.

There is the joy of my day. I hope you all get a good laugh... Cause I have had several...

Awkwardness to all,
Meg

Saturday Night Live

Let's get one thing straight. . . being single + dating = AWKWARD SAUCE!! Thus have we created this literary version of the, "I wish I were dead. . .or that you were dead, so this prison sentence they call a date would terminate!" Now don't misconstrue the message we convey, when people do such things as read into what we say, feelings and pride get hurt, and we will be honest, we don't have time to pat you on the back, burp you, and make you feel better. So if you tempt to read this, open your little black heart and get ready to engage in some hearty laughter.

And don't think we will be offended if and when you are laughing at us, because we also are laughing. We laugh at you and with you and at ourselves, this is for all the awkwardness that we create and definitely that you create for us at times.

Now when these awkward moments occur here are some tips for extracting yourself from these moments. These are proven methods that have a success rate of 99.9%. But if used incorrectly instantaneous blotchy red skin, choking coughs, itchy nose, and diarrhea of the mouth are guaranteed to occur.

1. The awkward roll: This is to be used in a large group of people after one has inserted one's foot into one's mouth, or the mouth of someone opposite them. To perform, simply stop saying what is currently coming out of your mouth, drop to the ground, and while rolling away say over and over. . ."Awkward Roll, Awkward Roll, Awkward Roll." This not only "rolls" you away from the situation but brings the conversation to a completely different topic or complete stop. Careful with this one, if used incorrectly, or if you don't check your surroundings you may end up with poison ivy or dog sh*t.

2. Awkward Turtle/Flagpole: This is to be used in small groups of people. Either with a one on one conversation or a group of less then 10 so that all can see your hands. For the awkward turtle. Simply lay one hand on top of the other parallel to the ground, with fingertip pointed away from the torso and thumbs opposite of each other. While stating over and over . . . "awkward turtle" you paddle your thumbs in the motion of a turtles legs.
The awkward flagpole should be used in similar circumstances however it is accomplished by putting your hands in fists and stacking them on top of each other for three lengths. So Right, left, right and then the left would go on top again with fingers outstretched and waving in the wind. Again you would repeat . . . "awkward flagpole" several times while waving fingers.

3. Pregnant Pause: Alone with a date, this is possibly the worst situation of all. There is a cure. Have you said something heinously wrong? Never fear Awkward Mama, all your problems are solved with three little words. Your eyes widen as you realize what you have just said/done. . .then Date's eyes mimic yours with a hint of gagging in their throat. Simply say, "I'm pregnant." They may respond with a look of astonishment. When they respond all you have to do is act like you didn't hear what they just said, then add a simple, "Eh?" Believe it or not, this works for both male and female alike. It takes a bit of guts, so we suggest trying it in the mirror a few times.

4. Dead mom jokes: So in order to get out of an awkward moment sometimes it is easier to make it a little more awkward first. This is because in some awkward moments you are not humiliated while others are disastrous to your self esteem. So if faced with a self esteem crusher such as a person turning you down for a date simply come out with a dead mom joke, i.e. " What am I not good enough for you because my mom is dead?" This will stop any man or woman in their tracks and then you can use an awkward roll to get away. Any conversation can be turned around by making a joke about a dead mom. It works every time!

5. Text Message Awkwardness: Texts are easily misinterpreted and on occasion it brings one to the ledge of insanity. If a text has been sent that can be questionable and your stubby little finger didn't get to the end button quick enough to cancel, chuck the phone across the room, and roll away. You may be tempted to cross the room and pick up said phone, but DON'T!! Wait until others are in the room to monitor future texts.

Now we have all the answers, but we are imperfect and awkward moments have still occurred. Thus the blog. We are putting ourselves out on the cyberspace limb for you to enjoy and/or commiserate with the awkwardness that is dating. Please feel free to comment, and/or laugh and scorn.

Awkwardness to all,

Mel and Meg